Wednesday, September 16, 2009

30 Secrets Every Woman Keeps

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The woman you sleep with gazes into your eyes and tells you she loves you. And you believe her. You can tell by the way she looks at you, the way she holds you, the way she seems to always know what you want before you do. There are a couple of things in life you just know, and love and this naked woman are two of them.

But there are a lot of things you don't know.

A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts that she'll never give up. Pieces woven into the very fiber of her being. Mysteries only hinted at in a passing sly smile, an inscrutable laugh. These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden fantasies, and unshared longings. A woman's deepest secrets that don't—and never will—include you.

You're about to sample this hidden knowledge. But like any man who seeks, you'd better be prepared for what you're about to find.

1. My best friend knows everything. She knows all of your vitals—from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings—and she knows how both compare with those of every other man I've ever dated. I have done a hand-comparison measurement so I can divulge size and girth with a high level of accuracy. When my friend smirks at you knowingly, you are not imagining it. She knows. So just know that she knows, and deal with it. (It's not going to change.)

Ask her about me, or chat with her about our relationship, at your own risk. She will tell me. Even—in fact, especially—if she promises not to. This is not always a bad thing (e.g., if you happen to be telling her how much you love me). But, in general, remember that she is my confidante first, and yours never.

2. Just looking at your hands can turn me on.

3. When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favorite old T-shirt because it smells like you.

4. I'll never tell you exactly how many men I've slept with. No matter how sincere I appeared when I answered your question, chances are I wasn't. As an unscientific guideline, when a woman says she's slept with four men, the real number is actually closer to seven. Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn't want to appear a floozy), but mostly it's sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet. Common excuses that lead to such an omission: The actual sex lasted only a few thrusts; or she was drunk or on the rebound.

5. I fantasized about being with you at least a dozen times before we actually first got naked.

6. I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.

7. I have Googled your exes.

8. When I'm falling in love with you, I completely lose my appetite.

9. My body really isn't naturally this hairless and smooth all over. But I will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating, and moisturizing that gets it this way.

10. I only appear to have it all together. My true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in my closet, my makeup bag, my desk files.

11. I have discovered your porn stash and your frequently visited porn Web sites and think the things that turn you on are hilarious.

12. When I say, "I'm ready," I'll need exactly 7 more minutes to get ready. Don't try to cheat the system by showing up 7 minutes later; I will still need an extra 7 minutes.

13. When I say, "I'll meet you in 15 minutes," I mean I will leave in 15 minutes, and thus won't actually arrive for at least 30 (but probably more like 40).

14. You've made me cry more times than you'll ever know.

15. I obsess about when you're going to call me again. The period of time between our first date and your "Thanks for a great night; when can I see you again?" always seems stretched into slow motion. So don't worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to me. And don't send me an e-mail unless you want me to put you in the figurative trash can along with your message.

16. I want you to talk a little dirty.

17. At the beginning of our relationship, I save all of your voice mails and listen to them (and make my friends listen, too), repeatedly.

18. I might wear granny underwear and purposely not shave my legs because I like you. As crazy as it sounds, the more I like you, the less likely I am to sleep with you on an early date, because I don't want to sabotage having a "proper" relationship with you. So I just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in my drawer and not shave my legs—all to prevent myself from getting naked with you too soon. Sometimes I might get a little tipsy or carried away, and this plan will backfire.

19. I split the cost of my fashion purchases over two or more credit cards, so you don't notice the gargantuan deficit.

20. I'm constantly testing you. I observe, analyze, and judge every action, word, gesture, e-mail, and facial expression. When I ask you if you want to have a threesome, I don't mean it. If you want me to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, "Why would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?"

21. I check out your butt every time you leave the room.

22. I need constant indications that you want me around. That's why it's better, for example, to say, "I want you to come away with me for the weekend. Could you come with me?" than to ask, "What are you up to this weekend?"

23. I love it when you get a little jealous. So if you ever see me flirting in front of you with the waiter, the bus driver, or another guy at a party, know I'm actually flirting with you—through him.

24. Even though I may complain that I don't see you enough (or that you work too hard), I find nothing sexier than watching you put on a suit in the morning and rush off to work.

25. I start fights with you because I'm feeling ignored. I'm trying to force emotion out of you. Don't retreat into your cave; just give me what I want: some attention. And never tell me to "calm down," unless you want to guarantee that I absolutely won't.

26. Even if I insist on paying or splitting the bill on our first date, I'll think you're cheap if you let me.

27. I may find your best friend repulsive, but I've fantasized about sleeping with him. Not because I want him, but because I want a piece of a guy who is so close to you.

28. If I'm going to break up with you, all of my friends know way before you do. I've been talking about it for 2 weeks.

29. When we do break up, I put all photographs of you and mementos of our relationship in a shoe box and store it in my closet. Just in case I get nostalgic. Just in case you come back.

30. I want you to take control in bed. Yes, I have a successful career, I'm financially independent, I live on my own, and I don't need a man to make me happy (in theory). I still want you to pick me up, carry me to the bedroom, and take without asking.

15 Things She Doesn't Want to Hear in Bed

 

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1. "Do you want to take a shower first?"

2. Chris Berman.

3. "He shoots, he scores," or any other sort of sports metaphor.

4. Whitesnake singing "Is This Love," Poison singing "Every Rose Has a Thorn," and the remaining 12 songs on your '80s power-ballads compilation disc.

5. Your roommate watching Girls Gone Wild Doggy Style on the other side of the wall.

6. [Gulp] "I don't really keep track. Maybe 35 . . . you know, give or take a few . . . or five."

7. Any comments whatsoever about her intimate grooming habits.

8. "Are those real?"

9. "Julie . . . from the gym" on your machine, saying she had "an ab fab time" at "couples yoga" yesterday.

10. The silent roar of your leopard-print silk sheets.

11. "Let me slip in halfway, and then I'll use a condom." (Yes, there are men who really say stuff like this.)

12. Comments on her sheets. It scares her when you know thread counts.

13. "Do you want to keep going?"

14. "I'm ready for a cold one."

15. "Herpes."

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Turn Her On With Food

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Edible Seduction

The new science of craving reveals a link between lust and hunger—and explains why the path to a woman's bedroom runs right through her kitchen

It's 10:30 on a Thursday night inside the Manhattan culinary hive Allen & Delancey, where a scrum of well-heeled hipsters, mostly couples, crowds the candlelit dining room. I've chosen a panoramic perch in the corner from which to play anthropologist, and I'm hunched behind the bar's wine list, a makeshift blind, taking notes.

As mating rituals go, the one unfolding at Table 24 is as carefully choreographed as any you'd find in the animal kingdom. In the shadow of a great velvet curtain, a studiously shaggy guy in his late 20s spoons together a glistening bite of scallop and citrus crudo while his date looks on hungrily.

Her words are lost to the din, but the woman raises an eyebrow coyly as the man lifts the spoon, reaching across the table to slide the bundle gently into her mouth. Her lips purse around the utensil, and the man pulls away with the spoon's curve. She lets the shellfish melt into her tongue and then coos, eyes wide. It's delicious, this dish, this man. A moan escapes her lips: Mmmmm.

The couple at Table 24 might not realize it, but they're being waltzed through this culinary courtship dance like marionettes, tugged from above by a network of neuro-transmitters and hormones in the brain that researchers have only begun to understand.

The sea scallop has long been thought to have aphrodisiac qualities—Greek legend holds that the goddess Aphrodite was lowered to Earth on the mollusk's shell—but no single food can cause a whiplash of desire like the one I've just witnessed. Strip away the lore behind any aphrodisiac, and what emerges is a more complicated picture of how food and sex overlap in the brain.

In fact, if you mapped the brain of the woman at Table 24 as she allowed the marinated mollusk to melt onto her tongue, and again later as she romped in bed with her date, you'd uncover striking similarities. The overlap between food and sex in the brain is so profound that it's no surprise these two primal passions dovetail in real life, too.

Food is, this new research reveals, the ultimate sex toy.

Course 1

WHY SHE'LL CHOOSE FOOD BEFORE SEX EVERY TIME

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well."—Virginia Woolf

The cuisine might be less elevated and the ambience less inviting than that of Allen & Delancey, but a hamster could do worse than score a gig at the Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, coed rodent dorm of behavioral neuro-endocrinologist Jill Schneider, Ph.D.

Schneider's Lehigh University lab is lined with rows of special cages designed to encourage (and measure) the hamster equivalent of a Girls Gone Wild bacchanalia. Inside each apparatus, a female hamster is offered three choices. She can remain in her home cage or enter one of two tubes, one leading to a "food box" and the other to a "sex box" containing a "sexually experienced, adult male hamster."

Just as a sorority sister might have to choose between watching Gossip Girl reruns, running to Taco Bell, or sexting the defensive lineman she met during a keg stand last week, so too does each female hamster confront a clash of desires. But for both ladies, the question—food or sex—isn't one of free will. It's one of metabolic state. Will food, at this exact moment in time, feel better than sex? Turns out, it depends on how hungry you are.

Consider Table 24 again. The moment the woman starts eating her foie gras appetizer, her body begins to break it down into macronutrients: sugar, fat, and protein. As excess energy is stored as fat, a hormone called leptin is released and travels through the blood and across the blood-brain barrier into the hypothalamus. That's when the battle royal between food and sex begins. Leptin clears the lane for naturally occurring hormones that jumpstart arousal. It also boxes out another signaling molecule, neuropeptide Y, that oversees appetite and blocks sex hormones. In other words, every bite the woman takes brings her closer to bed.

Schneider has isolated this effect in her hamster dorms. Injecting a food-deprived female with leptin sends her straight to the sex box, regardless of her rumbling stomach. No leptin, however, and neuropeptide Y takes control, compelling the hamster to satisfy her appetite for food before she visits the furry gigolo next door.

"It makes total evolutionary sense," says Satya P. Kalra, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Florida who studies the same brain pathway. "If you're terribly hungry and not sure when and where your next meal is going to come from, you can't be off flirting with the hamster three holes down--you might miss your last chance at food for a long time."

With 31,000 McDonald's in 118 countries, the system is largely vestigial in humans, to say the least. But leptin, which peaks around midnight, still has a powerful effect: A well-fed woman is more easily aroused, and a hungry one may want nothing to do with you. So, yeah, invite her over for dinner. But if you're smart, you'll save sex for dessert. A quickie at the doorstep just might spoil the evening.

Course 2

HOW TRAINING THE BRAIN TO ENJOY FOOD ENHANCES YOUR SEX LIFE

"Great food is like great sex. The more you have, the more you want." —Food Writer Gael Greene

The wafer is paper-thin, and it is the diameter of a silver dollar. It resembles a single-serve communion cookie, though not just for its wax packaging: It has brought the 400 chattering gourmands gathered here at the New York Academy of Sciences to a reverent hush. The wafer, you see, will tell us if we're one of the chosen ones.

"You're about to find out whether you're a supertaster," says Linda Bartoshuk, Ph.D., emphasizing the label as if it's some long-dormant superpower we're all about to discover. You can tell this isn't the first time the University of Florida taste researcher has left an audience rapt with her parlor trick.

"Only 25 percent of the population can say they're in this group," she continues. "I'm sad to say I'm not one of them. But we know that chefs are more likely to be supertasters. So are women. In fact, white men are the least likely to be supertasters."

Murmurs spread through the room; heads swivel as we size up our neighbors. That guy pushing 400 pounds is definitely a supertaster, but I'd bet against the nerd with the shrink-wrapped jeans and messenger bag. I catch the glance of a woman wearing black-framed glasses three rows back. We both look away.

Bartoshuk seeks out supertasters so she can produce more pronounced lab results, the same way an exercise physiologist might study athletes. The wafer helps her make the first cut. A coating of a bitter chemical compound called 6-n-propylthiouracil, or PROP, will cause a supertaster to gag, while others will just taste paper. Supertasters live in a neon-flavored world, she explains; everyone else is left with varying shades of pastel.

Bartoshuk begins the culinary eucharist: "First dab it to your tongue. If that's not too bitter, pop it in. And if that's not too bitter, really get it in there, work it around. And if you still can't detect anything, then, well, I'm sorry."

There's a rustle of 400 wax envelopes and we raise our wafers, expectant. In they go, and within seconds the room devolves into polite chaos. Some balk, coughing; others furrow their brows, working the wafer furiously against the roofs of their mouths as if to will the bitterness into being.

I spit out the wafer within seconds. I am a supertaster, I tell myself, holding onto my secret like Clark Kent. I turn around and lock eyes again with the woman with the black-frame glasses. This time, she smiles. "You, too?" her face seems to say. I shrug, and grin.

Bartoshuk asks for a show of hands and announces her tally: More than 40 percent are supertasters, 15 percent more than you'd usually find. She's intrigued, but we're just hungry. We're foodies, after all.

We shuffle like cattle out of the hall to find hummus and cheese, wine and beer, and a drug for dessert: the so-called miracle fruit, Synsepalum dulcificum, a red, pistachio-size berry from West Africa that binds to the tongue and transposes the taste profile of acidic foods to sweet. Devotees have a name for the effect: flavor tripping.

I grab a handful of berries and a few slices of lemon and retreat to a bank of windows looking out over lower Manhattan. What began with a simple slideshow has suddenly become a meat market, with supertasters and flavor trippers all abuzz with the night's revelations. Everything sour is now sweet; everything old is now new. The raised cocktail tables and ambitious menu catalyze conversations, and I'm not alone for long.

"Hey . . . Matt," says the woman I spotted inside, her head tilted to make out the scrawl on my stick-on name tag. "How's your flavor trip going?"

I see a berry clenched between her teeth, and there's a wild look in her eyes.

"Not bad," I say. "Want some of my lemon?"

She takes a wedge, chomping down like it's a Cabo lime. "Mmm," she says. "Sweet!" She grabs me by the wrist and pulls me through the throng to the spread of Mediterranean grub across the room.

"Try this," she says, shoving a cube of cheese toward my mouth. I open, obligingly. I remember a video I'd seen that morning on YouTube—Anthony Bourdain and Mario Batali waxing poetic about their craft. Food is the ultimate metaphor for sex, Batali had mused. How else can you make someone happy by putting something inside of them?

We linger there, sampling foods, comparing notes, and synchronizing tastes until the crowd thins. It's just food, the stuff on our plates, and yet much more than raw calories. I wasn't about to ask this flavor-tripping femme fatale what she liked in bed; I didn't need to. You are what you eat, after all.

Thing is, the supertaster connection we shared was as much in our minds as it was on the tips of our tongues. "We don't taste with our tongues or feel with our fingers—or other, ahem, areas," Adam Pack, Ph.D., a neuroscientist at Utica College and a member of the Institute for Sensory Research in Syracuse, told me a few days later. "We do all those things with our brains."

The fireworks begin in a strip of gray matter running like a headband from ear to ear. It's called the somatosensory cortex. To understand the importance of this strip, consider the neuroanatomy of a concert violinist--Itzhak Perlman, let's say. Perlman may have a few hundred more receptors than you do, and his may even be more sensitive or better arranged, thanks to Ma and Pa Perlman. But that's not why Perlman can wring tears from an audience with a horsehair bow and a 1714 Stradivarius, and you can't.

"Nobody is a born professional musician," says Pack. "But the part of a violinist's brain that 'listens' to his dominant hand gradually grows to become larger than the part that listens to the bow hand," says Pack. "This develops over time—and it happens for other senses and other regions of the body, too."

Experiencing new sensations—or finding new nuance in familiar ones—can create physical brain changes that make us more perceptive eaters and better lovers, says Pack. So just as Perlman's practice regimen floods his brain with a variety of musical stimuli and broadens the parts of his brain behind audition and dexterity, so too had the couple at Table 24 boosted their gustatory processing power with every romantic meal before tonight.

What's more, teaching your brain to detect the flavor components in a glass of cabernet is no different from teaching it to understand the hundreds of sensations during intercourse. Consider it cross-training: The same sensory apparatus that helps the woman at Table 24 detect the buttery slide of her paired Riesling Auslese wine or the velvety goosh of the roasted foie gras also picks up her date's aroma, responds to the flick of his tongue on hers as they kiss across the table, and detects his touch later.

"We literally taste, smell, and consume our lovers," says Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., a professor emerita at Rutgers University and coauthor of The Science of Orgasm. "The way the food looks, its texture, its aroma . . . all these things can spill over into your sex life, too." Course 3

WHAT SEX CAN LEARN FROM FOOD

"Sex is as important as eating or drinking, and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other."—Marquis de Sade

Craving researchers are lousy comedians. After all, what kind of buzz kill turns a topic like carnal desire into a 42-page collection of footnotes, graphs, and citations? Ask any of them about the Coolidge effect, though, and it seems they all turn into Conan O'Brien.

President Calvin Coolidge and his wife once visited a poultry farm, so the joke goes. The First Lady, upon seeing the ratio of roosters to hens, marveled over the cocks' productivity: "How can you possibly make so many eggs with so few roosters?" she asked.

"Easy," said the farmer. "The roosters perform dozens of times a day."

"Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge," clucked the presumably unsatisfied First Lady.

"Dozens of times with the same hen?" President Coolidge returned.

"With many hens," clarified the farmer.

"Ah. Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge," said the President.

True or not, this yarn illustrates a crucial new finding in pleasure research. Our brains have two important ways of steering us toward rewards: wanting and liking. And it's the wanting part that makes the overlap between food and sex so intriguing.

"The wanting system in the brain is bigger anatomically, and also more powerful," explains Kent Berridge, Ph.D., a University of Michigan neuroscientist and the author of Pleasure in the Brain. "A male rat might like copulating with the same female over and over again, but he'll stop wanting it as much with each successive encounter—he'll stop having sex, basically. But a funny thing happens when a new female comes along: He'll want sex just as much as before, regardless of how much he's had with the original female." In this way, clearly, most guys are rats.

The Coolidge effect isn't just a sexual phenomenon. In a 2009 study using chocolate milk and potato chips, Dutch researchers showed that the same extinguishing of desire can occur almost instantaneously with specific tastes—salty, sweet, sour, and so on. It's no surprise we seek out all-you-can-eat buffets and tasting menus. The variety we crave in sex we can actually find in food.

The culprit for our fickle desires is the powerful, multitasking neurotransmitter dopamine. While an opioid-controlled "liking" system makes us feel good once we've had a stimulus, dopamine could make us feel uncomfortable when we haven't—it creates an itch that screams for a scratch. This adds urgency to everything from basic needs, such as sucrose, to more abstract ones, such as conversation, music, or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. When you're overtaken by the urge to consume the girl in your bed, or the Klondike bar in your freezer, for example, that's dopamine at work. Dopamine makes crack addicts kill.

Cravings can feel like attentional klieg lights because the brain's reward circuitry once had an important gig: survival. If a Cro-Magnon hadn't been sufficiently wowed by the cold mammoth leftovers on his plate or the hairy mate in his cave, you think you'd be around to scarf caviar and surf YouPorn? Probably not.

Fortunately, evolution developed a failsafe system for guiding our distant ancestors toward the stuff they needed to survive. In the wild, the opioid and dopaminergic parts of our brains seldom act alone—they're linked, part of a loop of cooperating regions that come online to dole out reward.

"Desire for just about anything—sex, food, a sports car—activates the same circuitry in the brain," says Marci Pelchat, Ph.D., a researcher at the Monell Chemical Senses Center, in Philadelphia, who studies the human craving response using a bland food called "the Loaf." "The brain can even create cravings for things nobody would even like."

Trigger one part of the loop—the liking part, say—and a switch flips on the other, creating a veritable feedback loop of desire.

"That's why it's impossible to eat just one potato chip," says Barry Komisaruk, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Rutgers and a coauthor of The Science of Orgasm. "You eat the first because you like chips. But that ignites the wanting system. And soon you've eaten the entire bag."

Perhaps something similar is happening at Table 24. Everything from the ambience of the brick-clad, candlelit room to the tasting menu—a carefully orchestrated parade of sumptuous, ever-changing flavors—serves to heighten the sensual anticipation. By that math, the better the restaurant, the sooner she'll want to rip off your clothes.

I run my theory by one of the restaurant's managers later that night. She smiles and shakes her head. "Let's just say our bathrooms are expansive." Course 4

WHY YOU WANT TO COVER HE IN WHIPPED CREAM

"Cooking is like sex; it's about giving pleasure. You can't climax too early."—Chef Gordon Ramsay

"I'm all yours!" writes Eden, a 21-year-old Brit I've friended on FetLife.com, a sort of Facebook for fetishists. "There are links to all my pictures on the left if you're into that kind of thing. I have a psychology degree. I love reading, snowboarding, motorbikes, and pole dancing. And, of course, sploshing."

Sploshing is a fetish in which devotees smear themselves with food, often during sex. While most of FetLife's pie-curious members aren't exactly appetizing, Eden's a buxom, flame-haired, pigtailed phoenix rising from a pile of foodstuffs in her photos, a treacle-covered diamond in the roughage. I've contacted her not to fawn over her pictures or to suggest poses or pudding varieties for her next shoot, but to demonstrate a uniquely human side of desire.

When you're a rodent, the desire to eat or reproduce isn't far removed from the bleating of your biological imperatives, with your actions controlled, in large part, by states of hunger and arousal—and by neurochemical middlemen like leptin and dopamine.

Work your way up the evolutionary flagpole, though, and food and sex become progressively more wedded to each other. White-fronted parrots regurgitate food into the mouths of their mates during make-out sessions. African elephants woo females with Peapod-like delivery service ("Need anything? I'm running out for some branches"). Chimp suitors bribe mates with sticks of sugar-cane before copulating. And George Costanza, in an episode of Seinfeld,  famously wolfed a pastrami sandwich during the act with his girlfriend. With billions of years of evolution behind the dinner date, who needs roses?

This rich overlap is brokered by our frontal lobes, the centers of planning and learning located just above our eyes—the brain's CPUs, in a sense. Thanks to the frontal lobes, humans add a third major piece to the motivational engine. All animals have wanting and liking, but only humans and their close primate relatives add thinking to the mix.

Eden describes her first sploshing session like this: "We used custard and Angel Delight (a whipped pudding), and kept the amounts small. I wore a crisp white shirt, black designer pencil skirt, heels, and black tights. I felt silly as I began to pour the food over my breasts—I didn't know whether I was doing it right, or what I was supposed to feel. But as I poured custard on myself, shedding the blouse and pouring it directly on my skin, my face started glowing."

How could a moment so awkward suddenly turn so, well, hot?

"Human cognitive capacity transforms and elaborates pleasure," explains Berridge. In other words, if you believe organic eggs taste better than regular eggs, they will. Your frontal lobes will make it so. They also have the power to put an invisible flavor on your tongue. Imagine a juicy steak: Can you practically taste it? Probably so.

Your frontal lobes also regulate associative memory, which explains why a sip of the same wine you had on vacation instantly reminds you of the woman you shared it with—and can even cause a stirring in your pants. Our frontal lobes are why foods trigger fantasies instead of just filling us up.

In Eden's case, pouring food on herself became sexy thanks to her frontal lobes. They constructed a craving from whole cloth, mashing two completely unrelated stimuli--food and sex, together—that as a pair have no bearing whatsoever on survival.

Associative memory is one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs, in fact. Eden can't even bang out her grocery list now without thinking about sex. "Sploshing is now a very sensual experience," Eden tells me. "I'll see a big creamy cake in the store, and a flirtatious sideways glance at my boyfriend will let him know I'm considering it—to sit on, naturally. It's opened up another type of flirting, one that not many other people would pick up on.

Unless, of course, you're crouched in the corner of a restaurant like Allen & Delancey. It's late, and Table 24 has reached the end of the meal: gianduja panna cotta with a salted dark chocolate sorbet. An innocent dribble of chocolate syrup lands on the chest of the woman. As she dabs her shirt, they both giggle. This is their fifth course, and yet somehow, they still look hungry.

Courtesy By Men's Health

Make Her Seduce You

 

Add action to your sex life: Coax her to do the stuff you only dream of

Sexual Inhibitions: Unleash Her Wild Side

We wish every woman treated sex as if it were a Jason Statham movie -- nonstop action, lots of screams, 20 explosions per minute. If you feel the same way, maybe it's time you traded in your silent partner for someone a bit more adventurous. Someone who knows enough sex tricks to write her own HBO series. Follow our advice and you won't have to look far. She's sleeping next to you. Yeah, that's right, the very same woman in the long flannel nightgown, who nodded off during The Office at 8:30. Well, it's time for a wake-up call.

PROBLEM: She initiates sex about as often as Libya initiates peace

While one survey showed that nearly two-thirds of women say they initiate sex at least sometimes, the bad news is that she counts occasional hair-flipping as initiation. At least once every few weeks, it'd be nice to have our shirts torn apart by someone other than the dry cleaner.

SOLUTION: Buy her new shoes

It works two ways. One, you're playing into her idea of foreplay: Doing something terribly nice and out of the ordinary makes her want you more. And, even more important, it gives you the chance to work all of those sensitive nerve endings in her feet. When you check her for fit, linger around the tips of her toes. Don't be surprised if she kicks off her shoes as soon as you get home.

PROBLEM: She hides her body under sheets, pillows, and you

You've spent your life imagining your body next to airbrushed babes from beer commercials. She's spent the same time comparing herself with them. If she doesn't like to reveal flesh, it's probably because she's not comfortable showing it off to you.

SOLUTION: Stop telling her how much you love her legs

Women are weird this way. "If you say something nice about her breasts, she'll just wonder why you don't like her butt," says Pamela Regan, Ph.D., a psychologist at California State University in Los Angeles. Go for general compliments. Tell her, "Your body is incredible."

PROBLEM: Your bedroom sounds like high-school detention -- silence, with maybe a few giggles

Men love it when women moan, scream, and pant. It makes it sound -- to the flight attendants, anyway -- as if we know what we're doing.

SOLUTION: Create chaos

If she's quiet, it's probably because she's afraid of waking the guards. So create background noise to make her feel relaxed -- run the dishwasher, have sex in the shower, drop a CD. You can even sing a little: When you're giving her oral sex, hum along. The low vibrations from your vocal cords will feel incredible to her. Press firmly with your lips; that's where you'll generate the most vibration

PROBLEM: She's squeamish about giving you oral sex

Maybe she's shy, maybe she doesn't know what you like, maybe she equates oral sex with an unpleasant circus trick.

SOLUTION: Turn her hands into a bumper

Lou Paget, author of How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure, gives seminars on proper oral-sex technique. So she's a hero in our book, especially after she shared this tip for mouth-to-south resuscitation. When your partner starts giving you oral sex, take her hands off your thighs and hold them with yours (she'll like that). Then guide her hands to your penis so they form a tube around it. As her mouth goes up and down, rotate her hands clockwise and counterclockwise. The bonus for you: Different tactile sensations make it feel even better than straight oral sex. The bonus for her: smooth sailing will boost her confidence. Her hands will act as a comfortable bumper between the 3 inches of her mouth and the 5 inches (or more) of your penis.

PROBLEM: She won't lay a hand on you

There's no reason why foreplay has to be limited to kissing, unhooking straps, and kicking the dog out of the room.

SOLUTION: Tell her your neck hurts

Sex without fondling is more of a drag race than a pleasure trip: No warm-up and you'll be lucky if it lasts 3.2 seconds. Your goal is to have her take a few laps around your body, with several important pit stops. Start by complaining of a stiff neck. After she helps out, offer to do hers. Switch body parts back and forth. When she starts reaching your lower half, take her hands and have her position one hand vertically, the other horizontally -- palm to palm. She'll then lower these palms of pleasure over your penis. When she strokes you, your penis will slide up between her fingers. Use a little Astroglide and she'll have you bleating out of her hand.

PROBLEM: Her orgasms roughly coincide with congressional elections

Her orgasms don't just make her feel good; they're an undeniable marker of your success as a sex machine. The fewer she has, the wimpier you feel.

SOLUTION: Distract her

The top cause of orgasmic difficulty in women is that they're thinking about it too much, says Mark Elliott, Ph.D., a sex therapist. If you can keep her mind on other things, you increase the chances that her quakes will be picked up by the geology department at the local university. Try "69," kiss her passionately while having intercourse, encourage her to tell you about her fantasies as she gets more and more aroused -- anything to keep her from focusing on why she's not having an orgasm. If that fails, tell her about this position: While she's on top, she should push her left leg forward so it slides slightly toward your head (her knees stay bent) and gently slide her right leg toward your feet. Every few thrusts, she should alternate positions. The pelvic pressure this position creates -- and the rotation around your penis -- is pretty damn orgasmic. If she asks where you heard about it, do what we do: Say you read it in a magazine.

PROBLEM: She won't experiment

For many women, it boils down to this: She thinks that if she tries fancy techniques, you'll think she's a slut.

SOLUTION: Give her a squeaky-clean source of dirty ideas (and cheesecake recipes)

Buy her a subscription to Redbook -- surprisingly, by our count, an average issue has more information about sex technique than other women's magazines. Do whatever you want to get it in your house: Tell her you found it on the train, or in the men's-room stall. It won't be long before she's searching for "35 New Places to Touch a Man

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Top 10 Signs She's Interested in You

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Some women go out looking for sex. Here's how to find them and make it happen.

1. She's Chatting Up the Bartender

A flirtatious woman can hardly contain herself. She won't let a male waiter or bartender take her order without flashing a smile and saying something silly, like, "What can you make me that would be really yummy?"

2. She's Scanning the Room

When women go out to bond with friends, they have blinders on. If they're not looking around, don't bug them. But when they want to mingle, they'll be scanning for cute men. They may even sit facing the room instead of each other.

3. She's Playing Games

Darts, pool, pinball—women know this makes them easier to approach. That's why they do it. It's easy to get a man's attention when you're about to jab him in the ribs with a pool cue.

4. Her Drink is Big, Frozen, and Blue

She's ready to party, which means meeting new people and having a good time, not getting naked with the first guy who buys her another round. But sometimes it does mean getting naked with the first hot, cool guy who buys her another round.

5. She Sends You a Zoolander Eye Lock

And the eyebrow raise, and/or at least two smiles (full, open-lipped, teeth smiles). Go over there and talk to her already. Caveat: There's a small chance she just thinks you're funny looking, but go ahead, have some balls. She's worth it.

6. Her Pupils are Dilated

If she's feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate. That's because her body is programmed to want to see more of whatever's exciting her, so her brain tells her irises to let in more light. Time to make your move.

7. She Lets You Get Close

As you flirt, stand or sit within 6 inches of her. If she seems unruffled, move closer. Eventually you want your thigh to be pressed against hers, whether you're standing or sitting. If she's into it, she won't back off.

8. She's a Chatterbox

If she leans forward when you're talking or asks you endless questions, the only way to shut her up is to kiss her.

9. She Uses Her Tongue

A make-out session is a prerequisite to any sexual proposition. Kiss her lips softly and note how intensely she's kissing back. You want the "I want to eat you alive" kind of kiss, not the sweet "I'm not a dirty girl" kind of kiss.

10. She's Wearing Thigh-High Stockings

Women only wear sexy underthings when they're expecting a man to see them. If she's wearing a thong, she's trying to avoid panty lines, but sex is on her mind, too. Anything black, red, pink, leopard print, or lace equals "I want you."

Have Sex 8 Times This Week

If there's one thing men and women both want, it's more sex. It's no surprise: Most of us put sex low on our list of priorities, far below work, sleep, taking care of the kids, and sometimes, we admit, watching the game.

And while all of those are important things, so is sex: Getting it on burns calories; reduces your risk of prostate cancer; and releases endorphins, which improves your mood and helps you relax. Perhaps best of all, doing the deed strengthens your relationship—and that leads to more sex.

So how do you go from getting some to getting (much) more? The trick is to change up your daily approach. Try these ideas this week. They'll spark your own ideas for what to do next week, and the week after, and . . .

Monday: Anti-Stress Sex

The first day of the week has her tension-levels skyrocketing. Ease her into sex by waiting until an hour after dinner, when she's had time to unwind. Begin rubbing her temples, neck, and shoulders until you see them drop, and the tension fall out of her face. (That telltale line between her eyebrows will disappear.) Then let your hands slide down to her quads, and rub her thighs until they relax completely. At this point, she'll no doubt welcome your fingers on her clitoris.

Tuesday: Before-Dinner Quickie

Lean in for a long, wet, romantic kiss before you both have bellies full of food. Let the make-out session linger on (and on and on . . . ) as you press her back up against the kitchen cabinets. When she melts in your arms, push her skirt up and lift her up onto the counter.

Wednesday: The Dry Hump

Get over Hump Day by rediscovering the joys of dry humping. This is perfect for that moment when the DVD ends and you're both lying on the couch. Roll on top of her, and target her neck and collarbone with your mouth while slowly grinding your crotch against hers. Increase the pressure until she's worked up and is reaching for your zipper.

Thursday: Lazy Sex

Wait until you're curled up in bed to spoon her. Run your hand languidly along the side of her torso, hips, and thigh several times before letting your fingers wander between her legs. When her breathing deepens and she starts to sigh, slide in from behind and proceed with minimal energy or fuss.

Friday: Post-Going Out Sex

Don't wait to get settled. Start kissing at the door, unbutton her blouse in the hallway, then lay her down on the living room carpet. Don't be shy about getting a little aggressive.

Saturday: Shower Sex

Head out on a bike or run in the hot afternoon sun so that a shower is a must when you get back home. Soap her up, wash her hair, and run your hands all over her body to help rinse off the suds. When you both step out of the tub, instead of handing her a towel, get down on your knees and put your tongue to work on her fresh, clean body.

Sunday: Morning Sex, Times 2

Spend a half day in bed—but not the way you did as a kid. After you've slipped out of the sack to brush your teeth and grab a glass of water, climb back in and coax her into a sleepy a.m. romp. Afterward, use pillow talk and cuddling to keep her between the sheets until you feel something stirring again.

Let your second go-round be about exploration. Look and touch every inch of her. Kiss places you've neglected for months. This one isn't about reaching your peak or hers, it's about savoring every sensation.

Music and Sex

A Songwriter's Guide to Seduction

Hansard is the somewhat scruffy Irishman who plays a Dublin street musician in Once, a low-budget film that attracted a devoted following and gushing reviews.

And now, an Oscar nomination. One of the songs in the film, "Falling Slowly," has been nominated in the Best Original Song category. The Academy Awards are scheduled for Feb. 24—if the writers' strike doesn't interfere.

"Falling Slowly" was written by Hansard and Marketa Irglova, his co-star and girlfriend who, like Hansard, is a musician, not an actor.

Hansard, lead singer of the band The Frames, was a natural onscreen, since the character was based in part on him.

He plays a "busker," a street musician, and she is a trained pianist too poor to own a piano. In this naturalistic musical, their singing is part of the story, not a bogus song-and-dance: He performs in the street; she plays piano in a store; and they join voices as the quietly moving romance progresses.

Their performance of "Falling Slowly" (which they'll sing, presumably, at the Oscars) is a pivotal moment in the film. He shows her the chords and sings a bit of it; she joins in on piano and begins to harmonize.

Hansard talked with MensHealth.com about the role of music in courtship.

In “Falling Slowly,” the opening words are “I don't know you, but I want you.” Is that a good line?

Singing it, everyone thinks you're sort of a deep poet. Whereas saying it, you're just a total creep.

How can a non-musician use music to help him with women?

The “mix tape” idea has been with every generation. Maybe in the old days it was books or whatever. I did it lots. One of the first things I ever did to impress a girl was buying Bowie Live. Buying her a record was such a smart move.

[With a mix tape] you're trying tell her all the things that you can't verbalize. A mix tape is all about saying exactly what you want to say without saying it. So you don't want anything that's too romantic on there. You want to put something on that's more mysterious with romantic overtones. But it isn't, like, Frank Sinatra. If you go for that, you're fooked.

Any suggestions for a mix CD?

You've gotta go in with a bit of Pixies. It's got to show your personality, too—it's gotta have a bit of Nick Drake on there. A bit insular, a bit outgoing. At the same time, you don't want to put any metal on there, because that's going to turn her off too. You've gotta put Van Morrison on there. Van is going to open all the doors for you. And you've got to put a bit of Leonard Cohen on, because you've got to show this lady that you're a thinker.

Did you get into music to get girls?

Who didn't? Actually, I got into music first of all out of a sincere love of it. My older brother was a fierce womanizer. He was a good-looking guy. Not that I'm not, but my brother was the handsome guy, which put me in the insecure bracket.

One of the girls I fell in love with in the neighborhood when I was a child was an American girl who had come to where we lived, a real working-class area. Gorgeous girl, I was totally in love with her. And I came home one day and found my brother  in bed with her. Which was devastating for me. I think after that I realized that I hadn't a fookin' chance. So I took up the guitar.

The funny thing about music is, I'd be lying to say I got into it just for women. But what I got into it for was some personal thing that was mine. Ultimately it probably does come down to women, when you think of all endeavors in life, whether it's poetry or painting.

We're all trying to find something, possibly to show it off. We're digging for gold, but we're digging for gold so people can see it. Or we can sell it.

How did music change things for you?

I learned how to play the guitar, and I found myself mixing with a bunch of people who were much older than me, which I really enjoyed as a kid. I remember my headmaster saying to me, “Look, you're a bright kid. You can tell me the track listings of  Street Legal by Bob Dylan, and you can tell me who played bass on Neil Young's Harvest, but you can't tell me the square root of 9.

“I really think you're kind of wasting your education here. So here's an experiment. Why don't you go into the center of Dublin, go busking. Take your instrument down there and start at the bottom rung of entertainment. Come back to me in a year, and if you still want to do school, I'll take you back. And if you don't, I'll be more than happy to see you go on your musical career.”

So I really excitedly jumped on the chance and learned a couple of songs. I remember I had Before the Flood, the live Bob Dylan album, and the version of “Just Like a Woman” on that record—I set myself a goal, it was just like homework: I had to learn how to sing “Just Like a Woman” like he does on that record. And if I could pull that off, I'd be able to do that street musician thing. And I did, and I managed it, and over a few weeks I taught my voice how to do that.

After that I never worried about romance again. It was one of those weird things. When I was a kid, I felt like my brother was Batman and I was Robin. I was doing all the work, whereas my brother was just wading in on his charm. And later on, I felt like, “Shit, I'm Batman.” I'm not the same kind of Batman, but I'm fooking Batman. And I've got songs  and I've got ideas.

The weirdest thing is, when you set your sights on something that isn't scoring a girl, or winning the female species, if you set your sights on something else, all of that stuff just comes to you. It's true—it comes because desperation has a very, very strong smell. If you're a guy who's chasing the ladies and that's your goal, then you're fooked, man. They know that shit, and they're nowhere near you. Whereas if you're relaxed and you know what you're doing, you're on a different path.

12 Ways to Have the Wild Sex She Craves

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Everyone wants sex, but no one's talking dirty. Dig deep into the sexual psyches of thousands of men and women around the country, as we did, and this little irony stands out. Lack of communication—not lack of interest—is the top bedroom complaint for men. For women, it ranks second, just behind too-short foreplay.

That's why we brought both sides to the table for a sex summit (hoping, of course, that it'd end with both sides on the table). With the help of Cosmopolitan magazine, we asked 6,000 men and women to tell us everything—what they like, what they hate, what they've done, what they're dying to try. The results were as surprising—men and women want sex equally often—as they were enticing: Most women want to experiment and are just waiting for you to ask.

But our survey results are more than just a collection of dirty secrets. Combined with tips from our experts, they're an instruction manual for giving her what she wants, every time, while at the same time indulging your inner freakiness. See, it's a win-win. Let the dialogue begin.

Turn Her On Instantly

"Women want sex just as much as—if not more than—men do," says Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., a sex researcher at Indiana University. "But women often feel shy about making the first move." Too shy, say the 66 percent of men who wish women would initiate more often.

How to bring her out of her sexual shell? Coax her. Tempt her. Tease her as if she were a cat chasing a feather on a string, advise our experts. Give her a deep, sigh-inducing kiss—then stop. Or pull her close, press tight against her thigh, then move away.

"You're letting her know you're open to her advance but making her bring it to the next level of intimacy," says Amy Levine, a New York City based sexuality educator. Once she's comfortable making the moves, she'll be more likely to pounce when the urge strikes.

Stoke the Home Fires

Unleash your inner Emeril and you'll nail the top two mood-boosters for women. "When you cook for somebody, it says, 'You're worth my time,' and that's the biggest turn-on of all," says Martha Hopkins, author of Intercourses: An Aphrodisiac Cookbook.

Our advice: Whip up an easy appetizer, not a five-course meal. A simple asparagus-and-prosciutto dish—sauté the stalks in olive oil for 3 minutes, wrap with prosciutto, sprinkle on goat cheese and pine nuts—is packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections.

Follow with a chocolate dessert and you'll load up on phenylethylamine, a neurotransmitter that activates the brain's pleasure center, and caffeine, which can jolt sex drive.

Dance Her Pants Off

Home cooking not cutting it? "Take her ironic dancing," suggests Nicole Beland, the Men's Health Girl Next Door. Go somewhere ridiculous: senior night at a ballroom-dancing club; line dancing, if you both hate country music; a '70s disco joint; an '80s club playing a sickening mix of Dee-Lite, Salt-N-Pepa, and George Michael. "Dancing really well at any of these places would actually be more embarrassing than if you just did the robot," says Beland. "The two of you will goof around, make fun of everyone else, and end up having an amazing time."

She's a serious dancer? Make merengue your mission. "It's the easiest Latin dance to learn, and it's sensual and energetic," says Yuri Datsyk, owner of the Midtown Fred Astaire Dance Studio, in New York City. J.Lo didn't marry Marc Anthony for his looks, after all.

Take Her Home Tonight

"She probably won't be shocked if you suggest she come back to your place after a first date," says Beland. But will she say yes? Make this your litmus test.

1. Graze her thigh. As you flirt, stand or sit within 6 inches of her. If she seems unruffled, move closer. Eventually you want your thigh to be pressed against hers, whether you're standing or sitting. If she's into it, move on to step two, says Beland. If she squirms, back off.

2. Plant one, already. A make-out session is a prerequisite to a sexual proposition, says Beland. Pay attention to how intensely she's kissing back. You want the "I want to eat you alive, starting with your head" kind of kiss, not the sweet little "I'm not really a dirty girl" kind of kiss.

3. Pop the question. Your approach can be either funny ("So, what do you say we go back to my place for milkshakes and Jenga?"); hesitant and humble ("I don't even know how to ask you this, but I would really love to be alone with you"); or straightforward and sweet ("Please, God, tell me that we can go home together"). Dial back the sleaze factor and, "chances are, if she's been shoving her tongue down your throat, any one of them could probably end up working," says Beland.

Follow Her Lead

Foreplay can be a fact-finding mission, not just a necessary evil. Syncing the way you communicate in bed—verbally and nonverbally—will rev her engines more quickly, says Brian Mustanski, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Illinois at Chicago.

He suggests a technique called "sensate focus": "During foreplay, agree that the genitals are off limits. Touch the other parts of her body, using fingers, a feather, a silk scarf, or anything that turns her on, and ask her to describe how it feels," he says. Watch and listen for nonverbal clues, too—moans, thrusts, gasps. Work her hot spots properly and she'll be begging to move to the main event, in which you'll watch for those same signals. The better you're able to read her, the more likely you'll reach a happy ending.

Score Before Breakfast

The hard sell seldom works. Here's how to heat her up before your waffle pops.

1. Wake up earlier. "A woman won't want sex if she feels hurried," says Nagoski. "Her clitoris won't respond to even the most skilled touch if she's worried about being late for work. And besides, she needs about 20 minutes to reach orgasm, anyway." Set the alarm early or, better yet, make your move on the weekend to ensure that she's relaxed and responsive.

2. Whisper, don't poke. Women need aural stimulation to help kill self-consciousness about eye boogers and bed head, says Nagoski. So pull her close and say, "You're so beautiful in the morning," or, "I love waking up with you." If you're spooning, thaw her out with some sensual kisses to the back of her neck.

3. Bring her some OJ. Juice masks morning breath, and "the citrus will jumpstart her arousal system," says Alan Hirsch, M.D., director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, in Chicago. Bonus: Vitamin C boosts your adrenaline, giving you extra stamina. She'll appreciate that.

Find Your Rhythm

Don't sell yourself short. "Every guy I've ever, um, known has confessed that he didn't think his penis size was anything to write home about," says Beland. "But they were all perfectly well hung."

Make the most of what you have by using powerful, deep thrusts at a slow-to-medium pace. "It can be wonderfully intense. Pistonlike porno thrusting feels horrible. It can leave a girl dry, sore, and bored," she says. Add side-to-side movement, or up-and-down pelvic pressure against her clitoris when you're all the way inside, to vary the stimulation.

Kiss Better Below

"Being too rough" is the worst mistake men make during oral sex, the ladies said. "Guys think they need to thrust and flick," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a New York City–based sex therapist and the author of She Comes First. "But often what she wants is a firm, still tongue—a point of pressure—so she can set the rhythm and pace."

Another trick: Ask her to kiss your earlobe with the same pressure she prefers during oral, then cop her style next time you're south of the border.

Make a Bigger Bang

Thinking about baseball or the weather tends to kill the moment entirely, and the oft-cited stop-start technique can leave her hanging. Instead, try thinking about other ways of pleasuring her, says Mustanski.

When you feel your point of no return approaching—it's technically called "ejaculatory inevitability"—treat it as a cue to start stimulating her in a different way. Massage her clitoris with your fingers. Or, while inside her, press against it with the part of your abdomen just above your penis. Or stop and give her oral for a while.

"If you're smooth, she'll have no idea you're just trying to regulate your ejaculation," says Mustanski. "But all you have to do is let your system settle from its excited point."

Unleash Her Wild Side

Sexual experimentation is earned, not inherited. Unless you're dating a dominatrix, it requires time, tact, and trust: 66 percent of the women we surveyed said they're most willing to experiment later in a relationship.

How can you put yourself on the fast track? "Make her feel like she won't be judged," says Candida Royalle, an erotic-film producer and the author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do. "There's the whole 'slut' complex you have to get past." Here's a three-step plan for jumpstarting her wildest desires.

1. Plant the seed. The best erotic icebreaker? The written word. "Women like the story aspect of porn," says Patti Britton, Ph.D., author of The Art of Sex Coaching. "But sometimes pornography can be too shocking." A softer touch: Fuel her imagination by slipping a bookmark into a sexy scene in a classic, classy novel—The Garden of Eden, by Ernest Hemingway, say, or something contemporary like The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger.

2. Feel her out. Introduce the idea indirectly. Add a steamy, woman-friendly film to your Netflix queue—In the Cut, The Thomas Crown Affair (the newer one), or our favorite, A History of Violence—and use the sex scene as a conversation catalyst. Or reference something sexy you saw in a magazine (such as this very article), Royalle suggests. "That way, you can ask your partner, 'Did you ever think of doing that?' without pointedly saying, 'This is what I want.'"

3. Start tame. Come to bed in buttless chaps and a ball gag and, chances are, you'll spend the night alone. Try pubic grooming as a starter kit for kink: More than 67 percent of women we surveyed said they'd be up for a trim, if asked (and 55 percent have gone completely bare at least once). "It helps pave the way for more playful experimentation," says Royalle, who suggests offering to let her trim you first. (Ninety-five percent of men said they'd be up for a trim.)

Watch and Learn

Masturbation isn't just her release valve; it's your sex school—if she'll let you watch. "It's very intimate, but it is important for her to share what she likes," says Melinda Gallagher, cofounder of the women's sexual empowerment group CAKE and coauthor of A Piece of CAKE: Recipes for Female Sexual Pleasure.

Lower the stage-fright factor by encouraging her to guide your hands. Once she's okay with sharing, Gallagher says, she might be willing to start a toy box—or pry open the one she's been hiding from you. No toys? Log on. "Shopping together lets you talk about your fantasies and your limits," says Nagoski. All without hitting the smut shop on Route 6.

Fulfill Her Every Fantasy

Role playing means more than squeezing her into that old cheerleader outfit. "A woman's sexual thoughts are kinky and creative," says Gallagher. "Becoming someone else can unlock those desires." Translation: She'll be up for acting out her wildest fantasies. "Some women like the rush of being swept away," says Gallagher. So, what are you waiting for, men? There's a damsel in distress in the next room. Go save her.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Yoga Sexual Positions

Yoga Sexual Positions are done with the purpose of providing a new sensation to heightened sexual stimulation and orgasm.

All Tantriks would benefit, say the texts, from spending one half hour per week standing on their heads—to reverse the bodily flows, including the pumping attitude of the heart.

In this particular inverted position, the female, with the male’s assistance, stands on her head, preferably against a wall, her shoulders and buttocks touching the wall, her legs straight up. She maintains this position for several minutes, with the male helping her if she is not adept at headstands.

Meanwhile, the male massages her breasts, then parts her legs and stimulates the perineum, labia, and clitoris. Once the female becomes aroused, the male may (as determined mutually before the exercise began), either continue to masturbate the female to orgasm, or begin to stimulate her orally to bring her to orgasm by cunnilingus. The entire objective is that orgasm is attained in this position, to add yet another aspect to the Tantric experience.

The male should likewise try standing on his head and being manually or orally brought to orgasm. It will add a dimension to sensation of which the Tantric has never before dreamed. This exercise could correctly be considered TantricYoga.

Although this posture is recommended by some, it is not a realistic choice for many. Standing on your head for even one minute can only be done by the fit, flexible, and incredibly strong, so this position is not possible for at least 80% of the US population. But there are other Yoga Sexual Positions that are not only possible, they are plausible and potentially orgasmic.

One such position is Downward Facing Dog, which has the hands on the floor extended out in front, the hips up and the feet down and spread apart. The body looks like an upside down V, with the calves, shoulders and spine stretched. With blood flowing readily, genitals are easily stimulated.

Another of the more popular yoga sexual positions are the Bridge pose, and the Fish. The Bridge Pose has the shoulders and soles of the feet supporting the body with hips raised. By raising the hips and keeping them elevated, it helps to add depth and sensitivity to the pelvic area, inner thighs, and belly, all of which are major erogenous zones. Stimulation is easy because all erogenous zones, including genitals, are easily accessible.

The Fish has the woman lying on her back, legs extended straight down from her hips. Slowly, she raises her torso up so that she’s resting on the top of her head and elbows. This stretches the skin, exposes and protrudes the breasts, and ratchets up the sensitivity to the entire torso area. Plus, the increased blood flow to the brain helps with creativity and sensual gratification.

The difference actually lies not in what the position is, but rather in the underlying doctrine that accompanies it. Tantric Yoga is best defined as a more sexually oriented form of Hatha Yoga. It combines practice, mantras, and focused attention on the body as a temple of joy, meant to be shared, blissful in its highest state.

Tantric Yoga is a physical discipline which incorporates varied sexual positions. Its philosophies are based, to a large degree, on Tantric teachings. It is not only difficult to teach Tantric Yoga, but also to determine just how Tantric it is.

When you can add Yoga sexual positions to the variety of sexual techniques that you regularly enjoy, the increased flexibility allows for many positions that will add depth, sensation and dimension to your sexuality, while keeping it interesting, healthy and powerful throughout the years.

15 Things She Doesn't Want to Hear in Bed

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1. "Do you want to take a shower first?"

2. Chris Berman.

3. "He shoots, he scores," or any other sort of sports metaphor.

4. Whitesnake singing "Is This Love," Poison singing "Every Rose Has a Thorn," and the remaining 12 songs on your '80s power-ballads compilation disc.

5. Your roommate watching Girls Gone Wild Doggy Style on the other side of the wall.

6. [Gulp] "I don't really keep track. Maybe 35 . . . you know, give or take a few . . . or five."

7. Any comments whatsoever about her intimate grooming habits.

8. "Are those real?"

9. "Julie . . . from the gym" on your machine, saying she had "an ab fab time" at "couples yoga" yesterday.

10. The silent roar of your leopard-print silk sheets.

11. "Let me slip in halfway, and then I'll use a condom." (Yes, there are men who really say stuff like this.)

12. Comments on her sheets. It scares her when you know thread counts.

13. "Do you want to keep going?"

14. "I'm ready for a cold one."

15. "Herpes."

10 Lessons About the Female Orgasm

Women want to have them, men want to deliver them, and the gap between the two sexes is never more evident than on the first day of class, when 150 students pile into a lecture hall alive with sexual tension.

"I should be able to tell if a woman is faking it, right?" ask the timid guys.

"Why does it take me so long to orgasm?" ask the frustrated girls.

It's at this point that the men start looking confused and a little somber. If women are flummoxed by their orgasms, they're thinking, what hope do we have?

Lots, it turns out. Sure, the female orgasm is among the most fickle of human behaviors. But by the end of a semester, most guys and girls have learned enough to study it in the wild. You can, too, because I've boiled down a semester's worth of learning into 10 simple starter tips. So sit down, listen up, and whip out your pencil. Class is in session.

Take Her Off the Clock

Just as you're concerned about lasting longer, many women are so self-conscious about taking too long that they end up faking orgasm or deciding to go without. The solution? Stop obsessing over orgasms—yours and hers. A recent brain-imaging study by Swedish researchers shows that relaxation is the single most important factor in bringing a woman to orgasm.

So tell her she has all night. The better you convey not just tolerance for a lengthy buildup, but also appreciation of her sexual pleasure—orgasm or not—the easier it will be for her to unwind and explode. Oh, and studies show that it takes 15 to 40 minutes for the average woman to reach orgasm. Going somewhere?

Turn Her On with Your Talent

The best sex starts long before the clothes come off. Talent—more than rugged good looks or a chiseled midsection—is a powerful aphrodisiac, according to research by my colleagues at The Kinsey Institute. (Less surprisingly, poor hygiene and a messy home are among women's biggest turnoffs.)

So nail "Paradise City" during karaoke. Or make her die laughing at your self-deprecating display of atrocious dartsmanship. Yes, humor is a talent, too.

When She's Naked, Speak Up

Women who worry about the way they look down there are less likely to orgasm easily during oral sex, according to my research. And a recent study published in the Journal of Sex Research suggests that women who feel embarrassed or ashamed about their bodies have less sexual experience and are less sexually assertive.

Clearly, you have everything to gain with flattery. If you love the way she looks naked—and you do, right?—share the news.

Always Be Tender Up Top

During foreplay, gently brush the tops, bottoms, and sides of her breasts; these areas are actually more sensitive than an unaroused areola and nipple. Gradually move in toward her nipples, paying attention to how she responds. As things heat up, the nipples will become flushed with blood, and the sensory receptors will become primed for direct stimulation. You'll kickstart the bloodflow and lubrication down below, starting her slow buildup.

Learn Her Key Strokes

One thing many women love during manual stimulation: a slow buildup. Here's how to do it: Lie next to her, lightly bracing the heel of one hand just above her clitoris. Now run your ring and middle fingers along the length of her outer lips. Graze the skin at first, adding pressure as the tension builds. Cup the area around her clitoris with your palm to add indirect stimulation—most women are too sensitive to receive direct contact early on. As she becomes aroused, brace your hand on her mons—her pubic mound, the fleshy area that covers her pubic bone—and tease the clitoris with the middles and tips of your fingers as you move your entire hand.

Change Your Angle

Play Ponce de León and explore various types of penetration to figure out what turns her on most. Your first stop: her G-spot, located about 1 to 2 inches up the front wall of her vagina. This spongy region swells during arousal. Try massaging the area slowly with your fingers. A lot of women find it mind blowing. Not her thing? Just move on.

Use Moves that Multitask

To maximize her pleasure, increase the amount of contact you'll have with her most sensitive parts. Here's one move that will drive her wild: Ask her to lie on her back, with her legs stretched out. Now climb on top. Curl your arms around her shoulders, supporting yourself with your elbows and moving your chest up by her chin. The goal is to bring the base of your penis in contact with her clitoris. Thrust slowly, focusing on up-and-down movement instead of in-and-out penetration.

Another great trick: Move your pubic mound in a circle or up and down against her clitoris. You'll get a break from high-intensity stimulation, and she'll receive focused attention where it often matters most.

Learn to Sense Her Orgasm

Ease into oral sex—don't just attack. First kiss her inner thighs and her inner and outer lips, then work your way inside using firm, broad strokes with your tongue. Watch her hips for a clue to the rhythm she likes. Listen to her gasps and moans as you experiment with different techniques.

And watch for signs she's close to climaxing, such as a subtle deepening in the color of her labia caused by increased bloodflow. Or rest a hand on her stomach and feel for the muscular contractions that immediately precede her orgasm.

Follow Her Lead

Once you reach your point of no return, you'll climax even if you're interrupted by a tuba-playing, thong-clad Bea Arthur. But your lady could hit the "off" switch if you stop or change moves midway to orgasm. We love it when you try new things, and it's important to vary your technique, but once you've found a winner, stick with it until she crosses the finish line.

Let Her Finish First

Stalking the elusive tandem orgasm is an admirable goal, but many women—especially those with sensitive clitorises—respond better to a "ladies-first" strategy. If you rub the clitoris for a long time—during thrusting, for example—it can become too sore or desensitized to respond to manual or oral stimulation later. So satisfy her before intercourse.

Bonus: A woman's orgasm threshold drops after her first one, so it's often easier to bring her to climax through penetration after she's already had one. How does that sound for an encore?

7 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot

The heat of a new relationship is a chemical reaction—and it can fade with time. That is, unless you employ these seven incendiary strategies to keep the sparks flying.

Play Games with Her

Boosting her dopamine levels outside of the bedroom could pay dividends between the sheets. "Your brain can't differentiate between the external anxiety caused by a novel situation and the internal anxiety caused by being attracted to someone," says Victoria Zdrok, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist (and former Playboy playmate—wowza). "A boost outside of the bedroom can carry over for when it matters most."

The best way to increase her anxiety, sans cardiac arrest? Competition, says Zdrok, which also helps release sex drive-boosting testosterone. Sign up for a couples adventure race (usara.com) or just belly up at the local pub's trivia night; by competing on the same team, you'll also improve communication and cooperation, the two behavioral foundations of sexual success.

Wax Nostalgic

Revisiting that bed-and-breakfast romp of 3 months ago isn't just an exercise in nostalgia. Recalling the relationship's formative moments can stir up the hormone norepinephrine, which helps the brain shine an emotional klieg light on memories. "You'll unlock her passion," says sex therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center in Chicago, "and intensify the new memories you're making, too."

The brain's internal archivist responds best to strong contextual cues—smells, environments, music, textures, even certain foods—so orient her mental rearview mirror by concocting a smorgasbord of evocative sights and sounds.

Lie Down on the Job

The monogamous prairie vole might not be your sexual role model, but researchers found that the creatures are literally addicted to their mates, thanks to their receptivity to oxytocin. That hormone battles stress and increases arousal (it's released by orgasm, after all), so the lesson here is clear: Up her dosage and she'll be hooked on you.

Physical contact (cuddling!) and muscle massage both unleash the chemical, so give her this sensual massage in the postcoital glow: Ask her to lie facedown, and, straddling the backs of her upper thighs, apply rotating thumb pressure to either side of her lower spine, says Linda Banner, Ph.D., author of Advanced Sexual Techniques. By the time you reach her shoulders and neck, the oxytocin jets should be firing full force.

Let Her Lead You

It pays to be her sexual party doll every now and then. A study at the University of Michigan found that female rats receive a dopamine boost (there it is again—the euphoria-inducing neurotransmitter) only when they control sex. But don't just offer her the blow-up valve. "Make sure she's not just hearing 'Do me the way I want to be done,' " says sex therapist Gloria Brame, Ph.D., author of Come Hither.

Instead, Brame suggests role-playing a scenario (76 percent of women surveyed by Men's Health said they'd be game for a little playacting) in which she's in a position of authority and you're the sexual novice. The fantasies women said they liked most: professor/student and nurse/patient.

Become a Stranger

Reinvent yourself outside the bedroom and you could help refresh her passion inside it. According to researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, we keep a sort of neural dossier on a person tucked away in our brain, just above the temples. This case file is overhauled when we meet their friends or develop deeper relationships with those we've already met, says William Pollack, Ph.D., a professor of psychiatry at Harvard medical school and a Men's Health mental-health advisor.

"She'll see you through their eyes, and it will bring out different aspects of your own personality," says Pollack, "stimulating love and lust neurotransmitters." So introduce her to Jack and Mona from your cycling group at a dinner party: It could encourage her to attack your body anew.

Learn New Moves

Trying new sex positions isn't just a new way to fit the key into the lock. "Anything novel or exciting is likely to drive up the levels of dopamine in her brain," says anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of Why We Love. Magnetic resonance imaging scans at Oxford University found that learning a new motor skill—whether it's fingering bar chords on your guitar or plucking a new sexual harmonic in bed—sets off a flurry of activity in many of the same brain regions activated during orgasm.

Sold? Get her on board by inviting her to browse the Men's Health Position Master to choreograph a brand-new bedroom pas de deux.

Reclaim Virginity

Send your sex life back to square one. "If you've learned how to pleasure her, it's too easy to forget about foreplay and all the other things that keep sex fresh," says Debbie Herbenick, Ph.D., a Men's Health sex advisor.

Start with a 3-day sex break to build anticipation, pooling dopamine behind her sexual Hoover Dam. Then spend a night necking like teenagers, clothes on. Wait 2 days and spend another one touching each other sensually—everywhere but the genitals.

Take 2 more days off and then use your lips instead of your fingertips to do the same. By this time, your dopamine will be redlining, and both of you will have a surplus of arousal-boosting testosterone. Bonus: The heightened physical sensitivity can unearth long-neglected erogenous zones when—finally—at the 2-week mark, you blow the dam

Via Mens Health

Supercharge Her Sex Drive

4 quick tricks that'll restore her lost libido and help you find what you're looking for

Regaining control of your erection on/off switch doesn't mean much if her sex button is stuck. Luckily, some of the cliched moves men have used to get women in the mood still work -- but for entirely different reasons.

Buy Her a Lobster Dinner

Old theory: Your class and taste impress her; your willingness to pick up the tab leaves her very appreciative.

New theory: Lobsters are a great source of phosphorus, the K-Y Jelly of minerals. "Phosphorus is important to help keep the vaginal tissues lubricated," which will help increase her comfort level and desire, says Pamela Madison, director of the Women's Sexuality Center in Santa Barbara, California. Order a side of carrots -- beta carotene raises blood levels of progesterone, a hormone linked to increased desire, says Madison.

Light Candles

Old theory: Candles equal romance; romance equals sex.

New theory: Picking the right scented candles can reduce her anxiety and put her in a more receptive mood for sex, says Alan Hirsch, M.D., director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago. Go for the aroma of green apples; tests show it's one of the top scents for reducing stress in women. But avoid cherry. "We found that it inhibited sexual arousal," says Dr. Hirsch.

Slip Her a Sex Pill

Old theory: She unknowingly swallows Spanish fly; minutes later, she wants to do the horizontal mambo.

New theory: Tell your partner about ArginMax and maybe she'll slip some to herself. In a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, women taking this supplement reported almost twice the increase in sex drive experienced by those taking a placebo.

The secret may lie in L-arginine, one of the pill's main ingredients. "L-arginine enhances the production of nitric oxide, which relaxes blood vessels and could improve desire," says Cynthia Finley, R.D., a nutritionist at Johns Hopkins University Bayview Medical Center.

Re-create a (Hot) Date

Old theory: Makes you look like a sensitive, thoughtful guy.

New theory: Whether you went to the movies or met for coffee, re-create the smell that dominated the date. "If she was sexually aroused by the scent in the past, reintroducing it will create the same arousal," says Dr. Hirsch. That's because the same part of the brain handles scent and emotions. So if you saw, say, Jerry Maguire in the theater, buy the DVD and Orville Redenbacher's Smart Pop Movie Theater microwave popcorn; it has all the aroma with none of the saturated fat.

Build a Beach Bonfire

 

Warm her heart, and heat up your beach party

First thing to do when thinking about building a bonfire anywhere is to check and see if it's legal. If you're in a state park, ask at the welcome center. On municipal beaches, flag down any policeman.

SAFETY FIRST

Pick a spot 50-feet from the dunes to keep the embers from going into any nearby woods, brush or towns, suggests New Jersey State Park policeman Sergeant Graham. Stay far enough from the water so the tide isn't going to end your party before you're ready.

Dig a pit one to two-feet deep. The larger the fire, larger the hole. Dig down so you keep most of the fire surrounded by sand. Sparks will have more trouble jumping out. Pile the sand from the pit into a berm so it'll block the wind.

THE EASY WAY

"Get yourself a Duraflame log," says Sergeant Graham. "No, seriously!" According to Graham, it's the easiest, fastest, best-smelling way to get the fire started. Once it's going, pile with split logs, teepee style, "Until you get the desired height."

THE FANCY WAY

If you really want to impress, you could go all Boy Scout. Certified Eagle Scout, Jeff Menard says collect really dry pieces of driftwood, and some dry grass, newspaper or cardboard (like beer boxes) for kindling. Put the grass, newspaper and smallest sticks underneath the teepee.

Take out your waterproof matches (What do you want, he's an Eagle Scout!), and light the end of a very tightly rolled up newspaper. This will make a nice torch you can use to start the kindling and then add to the pile to keep it going.

CLEAN UP!

When it's time to call it a night, throw water on your fire. "When you think you threw enough water, throw more on it," says Menard. " You must be very careful not to leave hot coals under the sand in case some people step or dig in that area." Clean up any big pieces of wood, and use that berm you built to cover the coals and fill the hole.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Foods for Your Manhood

You can eat your way to better sexual health and improved performance in the sack

By: Holly Corbett

From Casanova's oysters to George Costanza's pastrami sandwich, men have been using food to enhance their sex lives for years. And now, research shows what you put in your mouth outside the bedroom can also boost your performance and overall sexual health. Check out these ingredients that'll improve your sex life faster than you can say "aphrodisiac."

For Healthier Sperm, Eat Your Greens

If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate, a B vitamin that's key for cell production. Men low on folate may have 20 percent more unhealthysperm (swimmers that have missing or extra chromosomes) than those with higher levels, suggests a new study in the journal Human Reproduction.

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Which foods pack the most punch: Leafy greens (think: spinach and kale), citrus fruits, and beans are all full of folate. Another source? Avocados, which—not so coincidentally—the ancient Aztecs referred to as "testicle trees." The recommended daily amount is 400 micrograms, but study authors think upping your intake to 700 micrograms might give sperm extra protection from mutations.

Easy fixes: Swap lettuce for spinach the next time you order a sub, opt for chili with extra beans, or add orange juice to your post-workout smoothie.

To Boost Your Sex Drive, Get Shucking

The mineral zinc may work as a libido-enhancer by helping with testosterone production—higher levels of the hormone are linked to an increase in desire.

Bonus: Some research finds zinc may even play a part in warding off prostate cancer. Which foods pack the most punch: Oysters take the prize, hands down. Besides being known as a classic aphrodisiac (thanks to their resemblance to a certain female body part), oysters hold more zinc than almost any other food. "Casanova reportedly ate 50 raw oysters a day, but I recommend getting no more than double the RDA of 15 mg—about the amount in six oysters," Marrena Lindberg, author of The Orgasmic Diet. Other good sources include red meat, peanuts, cashews, and pumpkin seeds.

Easy fixes: Eat raw oysters on ice with some lemon juice or chili sauce. Or toss roasted pumpkin seeds or peanuts in your next salad.

For Better Erections, Fill Up On Fish

When it comes to keeping your sex sessions going long and strong, a certain amino acid known as L-Arginine may be man's best friend. "L-Arginine works likeViagra by increasing nitric oxide to help relax blood vessels and allow more blood flow to the penis," says Lindberg. Some studies suggest that getting three grams a day could make for better erections. Which foods pack the most punch: Many foods high in good-for-you omega 3s are also high in L-Arginine, such as free-range game, seafood, walnuts, and sesame seeds. Plus, omega 3s help your body better absorb L-Arginine, according to a study in Nutrition & Metabolism. There are no RDA guidelines for how much L-Arginine you should have, but Lindberg recommends getting your daily fix by eating omega-3 packed protein such as free-range beef and chicken, or fatty fish like salmon.

Easy fixes: Here's your excuse to try out that whipped-cream and chocolate-sauce fantasy: the dark stuff also has L-Arginine. And its no news flash that most women love chocolate, so make her happy in more ways than one by bringing home a box, and then sampling some for yourself.


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