15 Things She Doesn't Want to Hear in Bed

1. "Do you want to take a shower first?"

2. Chris Berman.

3. "He shoots, he scores," or any other sort of sports metaphor.

4. Whitesnake singing "Is This Love," Poison singing "Every Rose Has a Thorn," and the remaining 12 songs on your '80s power-ballads compilation disc.

5. Your roommate watching Girls Gone Wild Doggy Style on the other side of the wall.

6. [Gulp] "I don't really keep track. Maybe 35 . . . you know, give or take a few . . . or five."

7. Any comments whatsoever about her intimate grooming habits.

8. "Are those real?"

9. "Julie . . . from the gym" on your machine, saying she had "an ab fab time" at "couples yoga" yesterday.

10. The silent roar of your leopard-print silk sheets.

11. "Let me slip in halfway, and then I'll use a condom." (Yes, there are men who really say stuff like this.)

12. Comments on her sheets. It scares her when you know thread counts.

13. "Do you want to keep going?"

14. "I'm ready for a cold one."

15. "Herpes."