The typical American male thinks about kinky sex but rarely does anything about it. That may change -- tonight.
Kinky
The word can conjure up unsavory images: leather-clad ne'er-do-wells brandishing whips, emotionally crippled Dungeons and Dragons aficionados prancing in military regalia. The Gimp in Pulp Fiction.
It makes you wonder, Who needs to go to all that trouble? And why?
Most of us men are simple creatures. We know what we like, and we like what we know. So we're reluctant to replace a good old-fashioned horizontal bop with a session that requires a trunkful of apparatus, significant prep time, and possibly a run to the drugstore.
On the other hand . . . can't there be wholesome kink? Something cleaner, less coercive and more collaborative, more fun and less frightening? Like, say, your woman, dressed as a cheerleader, behind the stadium with you. That's role playing and mild exhibitionism. Work for you? Thought so.
I was a man of simple pleasures until, through a twisted twist of fate, I found myself a reluctant (really!) participant in an orgy. Within a week, I became the world's unlikeliest sex columnist, for Nerve.com. After more than 30 truly kinky adventures -- some of which I liked, many that still give me night terrors -- I can report that I am no Caligula. But the experiences taught me that an occasional adventure in the bedroom (or outside of it) is a great way to avoid a rut in your rutting.
Now comes the liberating news that we men are not alone in our desires. When Men's Health polled more than 2,000 Cosmopolitan readers, we learned that women are waiting for us to suggest a few deviations from the norm. Our favorite stat: More than 90 percent of women sound eager -- they're "game to try" something kinky (70 percent) or downright "excited" at the prospect (21.5 percent), if only we'd ask!
If it helps, don't call it kink. "Think of it as fun -- a romp, really -- more than kinky," says Sue Johanson, a sex educator and the host of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson, on the Oxygen network.
Consider this a fun starter guide to kink's simpler pleasures -- and leave the truly freaky stuff to the Germans.
BDSM
Don't let the unsexy acronym put you off. BDSM stands for bondage, domination, submission, and masochism. For now let's address the B and a little D, which is more popular than you might think. I have yet to meet a woman who has not enjoyed being tied to a headboard now and then. Amanda, a 27-year-old advertising saleswoman, is typical: "I'm a pretty confident, successful career woman. The feeling of being helpless and dominated was really novel and a massive turn-on." Doesn't sound like your girl? You'd be surprised. The women in our poll rate bondage as the form of nontraditional sex that most excites them.
"There is a sense of being erotically overwhelmed that comes along with being restrained, and many women find it quite passionate," says Carol Queen, Ph.D., staff sexologist at Good Vibrations, a woman-owned and -operated sex-toy empire. "Women are encouraged to understand themselves as objects of desire, and through bondage and restraint, there's an acting out of that."
AT FIRST: During one of your typical romps, use your hands to restrain hers above her head. If she seems to like that (go ahead, ask), consider taking it further the next time around. Grab neckties, silk scarves, or a pair of stockings. Use gentle knots and give yourself access to all areas. Then resume what you were doing. Only slower.
Spanking can liven things up. "How hard one should spank depends on the person," says Emma Taylor, one half of the sex-writing duo Em and Lo and coauthor of Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette. "Always err on the side of reserve, and gradually build up to rudeness." Start with a light tap. If she laughs, laugh along with her. Consider a moan permission to continue.
LATER: Laidie Magenta is a dominatrix in the big leagues of New York City. Heed Laidie Magenta's instructions; do not displease her: "BDSM can be dangerous if embarked upon by someone inexperienced and too eager. It's best to be prepared with some knowledge so no one gets hurt." Before you start, agree on a "safe word" to let each other know when you've had enough. "Saying no might be an integral part of the fantasy, so make sure your safe word is something totally out of context," says sex educator Jamye Waxman. Like "peanut butter," "Seattle," or "toy boat." (Unless your fantasy involves all three, in which case you are no newcomer to kink.)
HER STORY: "It happened really naturally -- my husband and I aren't about going out and purchasing a set of handcuffs. But one time during sex he said, ‘Okay, you don't get to use your hands,' and that really added a whole new level. We would take turns: He would hold on to the headboard and I'd do my thing, then we'd switch. I like feeling that he could just have his way with me and I'd be powerless to stop him. It's total trust, and that's sexy."
By Mens Health
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